


Merchandise of questionable taste

by pineapplesquid



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Birthday, Crack, Established Relationship, M/M, Merchandise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-03 19:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pineapplesquid/pseuds/pineapplesquid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony can't stop authorizing Iron Man merch. Well, he's certainly enjoying it, and he's pretty sure that other people will too. . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merchandise of questionable taste

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this post (http://copperbadge.tumblr.com/post/44083198257/nerdz).

Rhodey’s the first to notice. Well, that’s probably not true. Pepper almost certainly noticed first, but Rhodey’s the first to say something. “Uh, Tony?” is how he started the conversation, and Tony rolls his eyes, because that can’t mean anything good.

“Yes, sugarplum?”

Sadly, the (admitedly weak) attempt at distraction fails. “I’m in Toys R Us, Tony.”

Pause. “Yeeesss? Regressing to a second childhood already, Lieutenant?”

“I needed a present for my nephew. Right now I’m standing in the Iron Man aisle.”

Whoops. That definitely meant he was busted. “See anything you like? ‘Cause you can have any of it that you like. Don’t buy it there, though, I can get it for you special if you go though me,” he finished with a leer that he was sure was audible over the phone.

Rhodey doesn’t even acknowledge his (hardly any stronger) second attempt. “Tony. There’s a lunchbox. It’s looking at me.”

“Oh, yeah! Isn’t that great? Take the helmet everywhere you go. Well, not really, it’s not like it’s real, I wanted to make a titanium version but the company said it wouldn’t sell. Guess that’s fine anyway, really, I should be the only one who gets to take the suit with me everywhere, it’s only fair that—“

“Tony.” The flat, even tone that told him he was really out of luck. There might have been a day when he’d have pushed past it, but he really was trying to get better. And it’s possible that he was still, maybe, a tiny, tiny little bit guilty for putting Rhodey through a wall that one time. Maybe. “A lunchbox. And a Christmas ornament on clearance. And a stocking. And a Iron Man princess tutu and tiara. And a waterbottle. And they’re all watching me.”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that, the guys say that the helmet’s the most recognizable part, so.”

Rhodey sighs. “That’s not actually what I’m trying to figure out. I’m wondering why. It’s not like you need the money. It’s not like you have any great lack of seeing your face on things. And it’s not like the world really needs an Iron Man table lamp. Did you know that there’s a little blue bulb behind the arc reactor?” Oh, yeah, Tony did remember that one. Even he’d had a moment’s pause, although less that the tastelessness than at the inaccuracy of the design. “Seriously though, Tony, why?”

“Cause the world always needs a little more Iron Man, lemondrop. Ooops, experiment’s going to blow, got to run, bye!”

He should have known that Rhodey would be the first.

  
********

  
Turns out, Pepper’s not just been noticing things. Tony’s digging though a drawer in her desk one day while she’s at lunch, looking for the chocolate he knows she has stashed there, when he finds a folder that’s labeled “Merchandise rejections.” And although they’ve been having some conversations about how he needs to respect her as his CEO, there’s no way he’s not going to open that, really. Especially because he knows perfectly well that he hasn’t rejected anything. And, wow, these were gold. This one was inspired, that was creepy as hell, and. . . he flipped a page, and raised his eyebrows. That had real potential. He dialed the number at the top of the page. “Hi there, this is Tony Stark. Yes. Yes. Really. So, I think there was a merchandise deal you sent us something about?”

  
********

  
The thing is, he probably would have been safe indefinitely with Steve. He was adapting so well, it was almost unbelievable, but he couldn’t seem to get over his extreme hatred of strip malls. Too many people, too many choices for things they didn’t need. And it’s not like he was out shopping for toys.

So, Tony would probably have been safe, if it hadn’t been for fucking Barton. Tony didn’t see it coming at all; in fairness, it’s been busy, and he could hardly remember what month it was, much less that it was his birthday. He’d fallen into bed the night before at some ungodly early hour (Steve is a terrible influence, he really is, he just looks at Tony and his eyes are begging for cuddles and somehow Tony’s getting 8 hours of sleep.)

Anyway, he gets to bed early, so early, so he’s actually awake in the morning. He walks into the kitchen just a few minutes ahead of Steve (because that’s how hard he’s trying, he’s up in the morning and coming ahead to make coffee) and finds his own face (well, helmet) facing him from every angle. He can’t help the laughter, and is still standing there helplessly, hanging on to the Iron Man umbrella stand to keep his balance, when Steve arrives and Tony suddenly realizes how bad this is. Cap stops, looking shocked. Barton, sitting at the table, is cackling madly, and the rest seem hard put to keep straight faces, even Natasha (who’s probably not trying that hard, and that makes him happy, that she actually seems to show them what she’s really feeling, sometimes at least). They’re all wearing Iron Man party hats, and just as Tony’s regaining control of himself, Barton throws some of the red and gold suit-shaped conffetti at him and he loses it again. Steve just stands and turns, looking all around. “Uh, Tony?”

He manages to get enough breath back to answer. “Yeah?”

“What is all of this?”

Well, that’s a disappointing question, although actually pretty impressive for someone with that many glowing eyes staring at him. “Iron Man merch! You can tell if you look closely, it’s the red and the gold and the general awesomeness that is me—“

Steve’s glance around the kitchen is still tetering between amused and appalled. “What is this?”

“Oh, that, that’s the waffle maker, look, they’re shaped like the helmet!”

“And this?”

“It’s a toy. You sit on it and bounce.” Tony still can’t quite read Steve well enough to know if this is going to be good or bad. He kept circling the kitchen, so Tony kept narrating. “And that’s the wall calendar, although really I think we just do one with all the Avengers. Shirtless. And that’s the kite. Oh, and the Easter basket. Oooh, the cookie cutter, I hadn’t seen that before, we should definitely make cookies of me and decorate them. And the coasters, of course, I’m always up for holding a drink, and of course the backpacks. . .” He trails off, because Steve’s looking at him now, absently fingers the belt buckle, and the picture that inspires is enough to make his mouth go dry.

“Tony, really? We really, really need to talk about you addiction to merchandise,” and Steve’s eyes are sparkling with repressed humor, his tone dry and warm and perfect, and Tony’s pretty sure that this is the best birthday he’s ever had, even if he’s going to get a lecture about authorizing every insane idea that crosses his desk.  
And then he sees the plain paper bag, looking so incongruous sitting in the sea of red, so of course he goes to open it. Wow. Yes. So they were ready. Oh, Pepper was going to kill him.

Steve, peering over his shoulder, suddenly turned as bright red as the windsock hanging behind him. “Tony? Tony, really!? You, you,” his voice was strangled as he trailed off. “You are impossible.” He pulled him into a hug. “And you have the worst taste. Seriously.” His eyes were still sparkling, though, and Tony could definitely tell the difference between real distaste and shocked interest.

Tony could only smirk. Yes, this was definitely going to be the best birthday ever.


End file.
